This is a powerful, emotional story about a young woman's struggles with her eating disorder.
I see purple in grey & foggy days. ... I believe in love. I am madly loved. I have books to read, places to see, babies to make, birthday cakes to taste. I even have unused birthday wishes to spare.
Quick synopsis- no spoilers
Anna should be happy. She is so loved, part of the perfect couple. But she is plagued by inner demons. The ghost of her past haunts her. Ghosts who tell her she will never be good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. And she's jumping out of her skin with nothing to do in their little apartment.
She moved there from Paris. She thought she would be happy with her husband, Matthias anywhere. But her demons follow her from France. With nothing to do, she runs. And she "forgets" to eat. She and her food fight daily & the voices in her head always seem to win. Everything seems to be falling apart. Her body. Her relationship with her husband.
Matthias has been watching her wither away for too long & he can't bear losing her. So she finds herself at 17 swan street. A home for women with eating disorders. And there, she must face her food head-on & explore the things she has tried to avoid for so long.
Will she overcome her past? Will she be able to find her happiness & take back control of her eating in the peach walls of her new room? Or will her anorexia win?
Warning: Mild spoilers in the next sections. If you don't want anything spoiled & want to read the book first, get it here and then come back to finish the review.
Direct care wraps up orientation with a sympathetic, condensing smile. The professorially appropriate, if slightly distracted, smile of a time - clock employee. She has given this speech to hundreds of girls just like me. Her mind is already on other things.
What I didn't like about this book
The style takes some getting used to at first. In fact, it was off-putting to me at first that I almost put the book down pretty quickly. But something about the story drew me in and I kept going. I'm happy I did.
The story is written in an almost poetic style. There's a lot of fragments. It feels almost like a stream of consciousness. It meanders, goes off on plenty of tangents. And that can make it difficult to follow & get engaged with. But I will say I found it worth sticking with & getting used to it despite that.
I do feel like the book could have benefitted for a more traditional, clearer, more focused style.
It's hard to give a concrete example without including a whole chapter, but I hope this snapshot will illustrate my point:
I do not laugh very often anymore. Very little is funny. When I do, it sounds different. So does my voice on the telephone. Apparently. Not that I can tell the difference: I do not have many people to call.
I realize that my phone is not with me, then remember, they took it away. I am allowed to have it until 10:00 am and after dinner in the evenings. One of the many house rules I will have to learn while I am living here, however long that will be. How long will that be? I turn away from the thought...
.... and hit a tidal wave of panic. I do not recognize the girl or the reality I just described.
( Disclaimer: I have neither experienced am an expert in Anorexia. This is just my personal opinion & experience with my experience with BPD.)
The other thing that really bothered me about this book is the lack of addressing the underlying emotional issues. It's acknowledged in the book that Anna has past trauma, both from her childhood and from a previous toxic relationship. It's even acknowledged that these contribute to her Anorexia.
But then she never tackles these issues in therapy or even internally. The work she does seem to be just the eating itself. But that's like giving a pill for mental illness and not doing any of the hard work of therapy. It's just putting a band-aid on the issue. In a book that was trying to raise awareness for eating disorders, I feel like this should have been addressed better.
Anorexia is not present in that memory; I could still eat and enjoy food. I could still recognize the texture of light, flaky pastry on my tongue. I could still savor good chocolate spread. Now that memory tastes bittersweet. Actually, it does not taste like anything.
What I liked about the book
I feel like this book gives a very raw, honest look into what it's looking to have a mental illness (the DSM classifies Anroxia as a psychiatric disorder), especially eating disorders. It does not glorify it & I think it's handled with a lot of tacks. It showcases just how difficult recovery can be. How it'sd jot linear, but a one step forward, two steps backward process. No victim blaming, no shying away from the truly awful things it does to your body and how it invades & distorts your thoughts.
The love story of Anna & Matthias is cheesy. But it's so healthy. Seeing two characters who love each other so much, so deeply, who have a healthy relationship is so refreshing. He gets her the help she needs, respects her wishes & when she pushes him away, he's still there for her.
She has such a great support system, which is essential for the recovery of any mental illness. And the fact that the story empathizes that is great. And the moments when they go out for pizza, for ice cream or even just have phone calls breathe some much-needed joy into this otherwise dark book.
And that's the other thing I enjoyed about this book. It's dark, even very dark in places. Not in a gory, but in a very understated, chilling way. But it's ending & it's the message, while very honest, is ultimately hopeful. There is little glimpses of joy in her friendship with the other women in the house. They support her, get her through it. In her loving marriage. In her family. In her recovery. And so while this story certainly isn't a light-hearted feel-good story, you come away feeling hopeful. For Anna. And maybe for yourself.
I feel the bile rise up to my throat as I look around the living room. I need a sign that she was here, that she really existed. Nothing but her notebook and letter in her cubby, and that little space on the couch.
Rating & Summary
4 stars -
Despite what I think are the two major flaws in this book, I ultimately enjoyed this book & found it a worthwhile read. I think it helps raise much-needed awareness & compassion for eating disorders. It's a heartwarming story of how love & support can help you overcome anything.
If you're looking for something new & different to read, grab it here. Or listen to the audiobook here.
Did you read this book? Do you plan on reading it? Let me know in the comments below.
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